If you are as young as I am, you remember PE class where getting picked last in a game of dodgeball can really mess a kid up. If you were not the one chosen last, you would not know the pain of faking a smile. Unfortunately, I was that kid. Basketball - last, softball - last, dodgeball - last, shall I go on? But it didn't stop there. The "chosen" one to be picked last continued throughout the year and that same smile hide that feeling of loneliness.
After becoming a teacher, I knew what it felt like to be the last in a group (or not in a group at all). I see the same fake smile in my students who do not group up with others. And as they try to hide it from others, they can't hide it from me. I give them the chance that I did not get as a student. I didn't have a teacher help me feel as part of the class that would group me with others (and not just out of pity).
I knew that feeling and didn't want my students who feel left out or like a teacher didn't care. I encouraged students to create a new group each time, to find similarities with other students, and to focus on differences. Four years ago, I had a student who was quiet and quite honestly I didn't think anything of it. After that year, she was home schooled until her senior year. Her anxiety at school, for various reasons, kept her from being part of a group. She returned back to my class her senior year when I noticed her name on my roster thinking nothing of it. Then the day came where students would group up to complete an assignment and there she sat...alone.
We looked at each other and I knew her look. It was the 'please don't make a big deal as I work alone' look. The look that she did not want to be noticed by the rest of the class; as long as the 55 minute period went quickly, she can leave and no one would notice look. But I knew her. I also knew many of the students since I had them two years earlier as sophomores. I introduced her to a group that I knew would embrace her. Long story short, two of the girls became life long friends since then and still are. She told me that if it wasn't for me introducing her to the group, she never would have felt accepted in high school.
Acceptance is a hard word to understand to someone who was always accepted by others. However, it is a new word to me. I was just like my own students who were not accepted by their peers, but no one had the time to reach out to me. I continued to work on my own hard to trust others around me. I thought as an adult being "accepted" would be different, but it's not. The hurt never goes away. It's a lesson that is learned but learned the hard way or so I thought.
Tonight was no exception in being "accepted." While I thought the being chosen last in PE class days were over, they were not. And the hurt never changes.
Being chosen last or not at all hurts one's self-esteem let alone their self-confidence even as an adult. When or how did we allow clicks to continue knowing that someone will end of getting hurt at some point.
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