Ever get the thought that you are the only one where bad luck seems to follow you everywhere or the ultimate question, "why me?" I wish these thoughts happened less than they do. I can't say for sure why these thoughts are in my head. Deep down I am a good person but the tough exterior needs to protect what's on the inside. I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be. I find myself asking these questions almost everyday.
Those who see the tough exterior or the happy smile on my face take it as it is. Whether they know it or not, it's a barrier I created because of how I've been hurt, lied to, misjudged, and been betrayed. I always wondered what I did to deserve all of it. The false accusations, the impairment of judgement, and the knife in the back. Each day I find myself at some point thinking how did I deserve all of the heartache and the lingering pain. You might say it is easy to forget, but we all know it's not.
I know I will get some disagreement from a majority (if not all) of the people, but ending the school year with remote instruction has not necessarily been bad...for me (Now this is where the misjudgment will take place). I do feel bad for all the students who have missed out on sports, dances, graduations, friends, a place to feel safe, among others. But still keeping my passion in my own home calmed my nerves more than one may think. But it also got me to think more often than not. The shelter in place created an opportunity to work on myself, my health and wellness, being with my family, and the opportunity to do the things I said I was too busy for. In 5 weeks, not much has been accomplished. I continued to put things off -- for no reason at all. I started to exercise less, stopped working on craft projects, not wanting to go outside, and so on.
If you have every read the novel by Albert Camus, The Stranger, you would know that the main character, Meursault, is an existentialist who lives life day by day. No emotional connections, no attachments, nothing. You can say he is pretty empathetic. Teaching this novel to my seniors, I find myself teaching them who I am, in some way. The idea of how life can be just living day by day without a real care in the world. As I sit here at 1 am on a Tuesday morning, I find a little bit of Meursault inside of me. But I know that's not who I am. My mother and father taught me to be independent, taught me to be strong, and taught me to work hard for all that I have. And I did not disappoint them in anyway. I learned to be honest, truthful, caring, and most of all me. But no matter how honest or truthful or caring a person is, there are always others who will break that within a person.
I knew this all along for quite a few years, yet I still pretended there was a different side to people. However, In 5 weeks of this "quarantine period," I don't think people would truly understand how I feel to be left out, pushed aside, and deemed unworthy. I am sure that if I go to bed in the next hour or so, I will wake up with the same positive attitude and pretend everything is okay as it was just a moment I was having and couldn't sleep. If you are still reading this, you must be interested in this blog or you might have already stopped reading or didn't even start. We were always taught "The Golden Rule' to do unto others as they have done unto you. For some reason, the Golden Rule does not apply to others as I would not do to them what has been done to me. I think the worst part all of these built up feelings is that I'm forgotten. At the end of every year, I tell my students that we die twice in life: once when we physically die and two when we are not remembered. I wonder if it's possible for the second to happen first.
I am not going to say I regret anything that I've done or regret anything that I have said because as stated earlier in this blog and every blog just like it: I am honest, truthful, and caring. I am REAL. I may not have a lot of subscribers, I may not be a keynote speaker who everyone follows, I may not be a famous author who follows me and retweets everything I do, I may not be the one someone says, "I know her" because of what I have accomplished. I may not be your friend and you may not be mine. But what and who I am is a person who can get hurt, left out, and unwanted. No matter how much I try, I do feel that bad luck follows me. Sometimes it just is...
Who I am:
I am an educator
I am a National Board Certified Teacher
I am a person who holds a BA and two MA degrees
I am someone who spent 11 years trying to conceive a child through every and any possible medical means
I am one who has learned to be independent
I am a volunteer, who at the age of 14 started to volunteer and put others first before myself and continues to do so
I am an advocate
I am a person who can feel
And so are our students. Let's not forget the ones who are left out, uncared for, tossed aside. It might be too late for me, but it's not for them.