ANXIETY -- a 7 letter word that can control one's well-being. People tell me to learn to cope with my issues or "just to let it go" or "why can't you just be happy with what you have." If it was that easy, I would. But those who battle with anxiety 24/7 (and yes, I said 24/7) don't understand the difficulty to "just let it go."
I cannot pin point the moment anxiety started to control my life. I've always had OCD since I was a kid from moving my bedroom around every week, to cleaning my room spotless without a spec of dust, to arrange items in a certain order before going to bed at night. After each class, I would straighten the items on my desk and rearrange the school desks if they were crooked or a chair was not pushed it (knowing that I would have to do that again after the next class and so on). Never did I think that having OCD was a form of anxiety. It wasn't until 7 years ago (and most recently -- 2 years ago) that my anxiety became 'real' to me. I couldn't sleep anymore as my mind continued to think about work, family issues, and life. As an educator, I've told students that problems will come and go. To focus on the positive side rather than the negative one. But it's easier said than done. I mean I've been up since 1 am just thinking about this blog.
Let me explain how it feels to have an uncontrollable subconscious at night while during the day my thoughts overtake my mind. There is always two sides to every conversation. This is how I feel about my anxiety. There are two sides to my anxiety: home and work. With both sides trying to overtake each other, there is an internal battle that entails. Let's start with home. I wish I knew how or why it started. I did not grow up struggling to survive nor did I live in a one parent house hold. I struggled with friends (I was not popular or close to that). I tried to fit in like every child because I know how it feels to be the last one chosen or picked. People would say that it made me stronger. But honestly, it doesn't. It makes things worse. I've gone through secret depressions that no one knew about. I pretended to have that smile everyday to hide how I was really feeling. I already knew what people would say and, to be honest, I didn't want to hear the same thing over and over again. I struggled to keep it all inside.
I focused on school work and forgot about all those who didn't care about me. Realistically, I would most likely never hear or see them again, which I was fine with. I felt good about earning my bachelor of arts and then going back for two masters degrees (for some reason the anxiety in school thrilled me). After becoming an educator (after two other attempted careers and serious medical conditions within my family), I focused on my National Board Certification. I was pretty much alone to research, ask questions when I could, but still focused on my success. My first attempt I failed by a few points. My heart stopped (not literally) but I felt like a failure. How could after 5 years of teaching fail to become a great teacher. I didn't want to admit to it because I was afraid of saying that I failed. Afraid that I really wasn't any good. But coming this far, I retook two areas that I needed to improve in. The following year I passed the National Board and was relieved and started to promote it within my own school helping others become certified. Anxiety took another aspect of me with trying to have children. How easy it was for everyone else (including my students). Once again the failure set in. What was so wrong with me that it was taking years to get pregnant. After 11 years of marriage, 9 years of trying to conceive a child, 8 IUI's 5 IVF's, and 3 different fertility doctors, I got my first positive pregnancy test. Only to know that 8 weeks later my blood levels indicated that I was losing the child. For two weeks, I had to carry a lifeless fetus inside of me. (Can you imagine the type of anxiety this created?). Despite everything else, we focused on our last IVF (this is number 6) and was pregnant again. But I was told that I would not carry it full term. Anxiety spiraled out of control. I went to church every Sunday for 9 months, ate what I was told to, and literally did everything by the book. At 6 months, my Westie of 9 years (my husband bought me a dog to help ease the pain of going through all the doctors appointments) was very ill with a turned stomach. I was a nervous wreck as he was at work and I had to make the decision of immediate surgery, which would only have a 3% chance of survival or putting her down to sleep. The vet stated that it would cost a minimum of $3,000 plus emergency overnight stay 20 miles away after the surgery. But I refuse not to try to save my dog. She lived until she was 17 years old and, unfortunately, we had to put her down because she was in pain.
In between all of this my son was born healthy (he turned 10 years old yesterday), my mom is a survivor of cancer, but we lost my dad to cancer almost 8 years ago. My husband and I have had numerous surgeries, I published a book, and feel that problems 'come and go.' but then there is the other side to all of this: work.
First let me state it's not really the kids (you'll have to excuse my brevity as fear has recently created this anxiety) but it's other factors. It's hard to teach something that I strongly believe in but cannot actually do for myself without retributions. The lying that takes place against me, the people that turn their backs on me, and the ones who I thought could be trusted stabbed me in the back. The thoughts of that when certain people look at me all they see are the lies that are told in which they believe. How can I be the person I am supposed to be when all this holds me back. This is what keeps me up at night. I used to be excited to go to work. To create a mystic understanding, to see that 'lightbulb' moment. But now, I count down the days until retirement. I look forward to holidays and no school days. I can't wait for snow days just to give me a break. Have I lost that passion? I try everyday to be the person I once was. But the anxiety takes over. Everyday I think: who's watching what I post, do I walk the halls today, what will someone say to an administrator that isn't true that I need to defend for no reason, will I be employed there tomorrow? These are the thoughts that I shouldn't have to worry about. But I do. Everyday for the last 7 years because of a lie. Everyday I hear stories from students about what teachers are not doing in class.... again my anxiety level raises because these students are not getting the education they deserve and no one is doing anything about it. I want to be a better educator but all I am told is "no." I reach out for help and told to mind my own business. This post alone becomes fearful but I cannot let others run my life. That I am the only one who cannot reach out for help, to ask those who understand what I might be going through, to somehow survive to find that self-care. It's not for attention (as some would think). But it's for help to overcome this anxious part of me or somehow relieve it so I can sleep at night.
I reach out on Twitter for support and support all those who inspire me and hope to be inspired by others. But then the feelings of being left out reminds me of being chosen last for a game of kickball.
Anxiety has taken over my life where I cannot control it. I've been put on medicine just to cope with blank thoughts, hoping to sleep. When others are given that special treatment and you are told no. I barely leave my classroom during the day anymore. For the past 7 years, I don't roam the halls, eat lunch in the cafeteria, or visit with other teachers. I stick to my room until the end of the day.
It's 4 am now no sense going to bed. In 3 hours, I will pretend none of this matters in order to be the person I am told to be. Now all I can think about is that this is going to be a long day and wonder when I'll feel the crash during the day. This is a mere glance into what it feels like everyday. I come home so mentally exhausted from work that I collapse on the floor (literally). The mental exhaustion controlled the physical part of my body. On Twitter, many educators focus on positive and encouraging thoughts to break free from all this. But it's easier said than done. Spend time in my life, see what I am going through, understand how I feel everyday then tell me to not let anything stop me. It's not easier said than done when you have bills to pay.
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